Autolycus pays the Bill
by Phineas Redux
Summary: Xena tells Autolycus a story about Gabrielle. He tries to pay the Inn bill his way!


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Xena tells Autolycus of an adventure Gabrielle recently had. He tries to pay the Inn bill his way. Xena isn't impressed.

Fake coins made of copper or lead with thin silver surfaces were distributed widely in Ancient times. _'Fourree'_ is the modern term given by collectors to these items.

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MCA/Universal/RenPics own all copyrights to everything related to Xena: Warrior Princess and I have no rights to them.

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**'Autolycus pays the Bill'**

"He thought double-mahogany doors with steel edges would keep the King of Thieves out!" Autolycus smirked in that way he had; raising a hand to caress the pathetic wisp that passed for a moustache. "He was wrong! It was simple—a triple Thessalonian lock and double flanges—nothing to it!"

Xena groaned inwardly and thought about putting her head in her hands; or murder! The second seemed to offer most gratification.

"Autolycus! We're not here to listen to your latest accomplishment! We—"

"Accomplishment!" The tall dark-haired man of indeterminate age, sitting opposite Xena across the bare wooden table in the thronged Inn dining-room, sat up with a sparkle in his eye. "That's exactly what it was! Yes, Xena, only an expert—a man of experience—a man of capacity and forethought—could have done it. Me!"

"Forethought!" Xena was struck with the incongruous statement. "You never had a forethought in your life, Autolycus! Everyone knows that!"

"Hey! Is that nice, Xena?" The K. of T.'s registered surprise. "So who's paying for this little binge, then!"

Xena shook her head as she looked around the crowded room. The Inn was on the main road of the small town and had a fair-sized clientele, especially at this time in the late afternoon.

"This binge is our dinner, Autolycus. It will be, anyway, when Gabrielle deigns to arrive!"

"So where is she, then? I'm sure she'll appreciate the daring actions and cunning brilliance of a master-worker." Autolycus looked suitably impressed with his own rhetoric, while Xena merely looked glum.

They had made this rendezvous to meet Autolycus imagining that he had some information to impart to them about dodgy land deals going on in the vicinity. But, from what Xena had been able to glean so far, he was more concerned to describe some kind of coup he had apparently pulled off concerning King Apocretes treasure house. Frankly, Xena wasn't interested. She was just becoming more bored the longer Gabrielle took to appear, even though she had said she might be a few minutes late.

And so Xena was landed with entertaining the King of Thieves for an hour: not something she had any interest in doing.

"Gabrielle really impressed me a few days ago, Autolycus!" Xena suddenly decided to fight fire with fire. There was a story concerning her better half she had been dying to tell someone—Autolycus would do! "She was buying fish in the market a couple of days ago. I broke my fishing-pole, y'know. But I've got a better one now! Anyway, she was just bargaining with the stall-owner. You know how well she bargains! Why, sometimes they give her the goods at half-price just to get rid of her! Genius! Anyway, she was bar—."

"Apocretes's only mistake was in having too much confidence." The King of Thieves was focussed on his own autobiography at the moment, and took less than a passing interest in his companion's words. "That's what takes down all these Kings, y'know, Xena! Build a fortress with ten-foot thick walls, and think they're safe from Destiny! Ha! But not from the King of Thieves!"

"—so she told the stall-owner what she thought of his stock. Going off, y'know!" Xena was well launched into the tale, remembering the hilarious outcome that had her laughing for an hour after Gabrielle had recited her day's activities to her. "Of course he was less than pleased. Well, I mean to say, when someone says your sto—."

"My only problem was with the Thracian lock on the room's main door." Autolycus, unheeding, continued his recital of a master at work. "The Thessalonian lock on the bullion chest was a mere bagatelle! It was the Thracian lock on the room door that made me sweat."

"By this time quite a crowd had apparently materialized." Xena chuckled at the way Gabrielle had described this pack of townspeople, eager to hear the argument. "You know how it is. Two people stop to say hullo in a town, and suddenly 7 men and women, 3 soldiers, 5 children of all ages, and 2 dogs show up to take an intelligent interest in your private conversation!"

"It was a very long corridor." Autolycus mused on the difficulties of his profession as he took a pull on his foaming tankard to wet his whistle. "Stone walls on both sides. And only the smallest of windows on the quadrangle side! If anyone had arrived they would have seen me from fully twenty yards away! Speed! That was the answer, speed! So I—."

"Here's yer wine!" The Innkeeper banged the flagon down on the oak table. "That'll be another 2 drachmas!"

"That's alright, garcon!" Autolycus had seen Xena reaching for her pouch and forestalled her; his charming nature coming to the surface. "I'll pay when we're finished. Is the food nearly ready!"

"Yer's."

"Well, bring it along in about ten minutes." The King of Thieves dug into his loose-fitting jerkin and produced a heavy leather pouch of his own. It had a tightly drawn drawstring and was clearly packed full of coins that jingled in the most delightful way as he hoisted it in his palm before the Innkeeper's bulging eyes. "I might even throw in a slight service bonus, know what I mean?"

The Innkeeper went off to see about the food with a smarmy bow and oily grin that always affected him in the presence of coin of the realm.

"So you're rich, Autolycus?" Xena had paused in her recital long enough to aim a sharp glance at the man sitting opposite; but he was immune to cold hauteur! "I wonder how that happened! Is King Apocretes happy these days?"

"Money!" The King of Thieves sounded almost bored as he gently caressed his moustache. "What does it matter in the long run? Eventually we're all just foot-notes in a dusty History scroll! Anyway—the Thracian lock! Of course I could have used the ordinary method. That, as you know, involves—."

"So these people, crowded round the fish-stall, were pushing and shoving like a pack of wolves, so Gabrielle told me." Xena resumed her own account, ignoring Autolycus's droning voice. "She could hardly hear the swear-words the stallowner was directing at her, she said! And you know how eager Gabrielle always is to increase her vocabulary! The people were so tightly packed together that it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened, Gabriele said. And she was right! Just as she –."

"—and then the inner plate slides free, and you're there!" Autolycus described his actions with the joy of a master. "Then you use the second picklock—the one you've inserted in the upper section, you recall,—to twist anti-clockwise, and the lock simply falls open! Piece of cake! But it needs the delicate fingers and gentle caress of the true master to accomplish it! Me!"

"They were jostling amongst themselves like a crowd at one of Plautus's comedies!" Xena was reaching the climax of the tale, and could hardly keep a straight face as she continued. "And, of course, there was a pick-pocket there! You can imagine what happened then!"

"So I closed the door behind me in case anyone came along the corridor, but only set it on the half-lock so I could open it easily again." Autolycus too was approaching the central point of his story; if any story of Autolycus's could ever be said to have a point. "As I figured, the bullion chests were simply laid on the floor; not in iron cages like King Hiero III in Thessaly. Gods! That was an adventure! Anyway—to business! So I inspected the chests and soon identified the ones that held the silver. Why not take the gold, you wisely ask?"

"Well, the shout exploded like a ball of Greek Fire!" Xena laughed outright now. Gods! It had been so funny when Gabrielle told her this part! "Thief! Pick-pocket! Him there, in the blue jerkin! You can imagine the confusion! Those people struggling for a better look; those people shouting for someone to catch him; those others simply pretending not to notice anything out of the ordinary; and the people actually attempting to pursue the thief! Confusion, Autolycus! Yep, that's what it was!"

"Gold, Xena, is the poison of the modern age!" Autolycus, completely oblivious of his companion's tale, carried on now in a philosophical vein. "You pursue gold till your hair turns white and ignore the oceans of silver washing round your ankles as you go! But not me! Silver for me every time! It's so much easier to transport! I mean, how easy is it to jump out of a third story window; do a Macedonion somersault; and land on your feet without losing a single coin? Couldn't do that with gold. I know, I've still got the scars!"

"But you know Gabrielle!" Xena grinned at the quick-witted actions of her better half. "She just took a quick glance around and fingered the culprit instantly. You know what keen eyes she has. Green, glorious, and as sharp as tacks! She hauled off with her staff and—."

"—the work of an instant to fill my pouch with lucre, and tie several other bags of the silver darlings round my waist and I was ready to bid King Apocretes's Treasure House a fond farewell!"

"—flew through the air like my chakram, and just as well-aimed." The Warrior Princess nodded with pride at the resourcefulness of her companion in arms. "Hit that greasy character on the back of his head like an avenging bolt from Olympus; which was pretty much what it was! Were the crowd happy? They sure were! Why, the stall-owner insisted on giving Gabrielle her fish free gratis! Can you believe that?"

"—and so here I sit before you now Xena, a man of means and riches!" Autolycus smirked at the tall woman on the other side of the table, who appeared to have enjoyed his tale, judging from her smile. "And that's why I can take care of our bill. A mere nothing! Simply a bagatelle! I could pay for our food ten times over, easily!"

"Food! Who said the magic word? Gimme!" Gabrielle had arrived in their presence once more.

"Took you long enough!" Xena spoke with a gentle sarcasm which so much more showed her real love.

"Things to do, darling! Places to be!" The girl sat down beside Xena, brushing long red tresses from her brow and favouring her lover with a sweet grin. "So! Is dinner ready? What're we having? Who's paying? I've got nothing? You can't imagine how badly paid sidekicks are these days, Autolycus!"

"Fear not, I'm loaded!" To prove which assertion the King of Thieves once more brought out his bulging pouch and laid it on the oak boards beside the wine cups. "There's money! Lots of money!"

"King Apocretes's money!" Xena informed her companion with a raised brow.

"You actually succeeded?" Gabrielle was impressed, against her better nature. To sit beside someone who had broken into a royal vault and stolen the necessary was almost humbling! "Open it! Lemme see! I've always wondered what royal currency looked like!"

"Pretty much like anyone else's money, I imagine!" Xena was scathing, merely rubbing her arm where her companion's punch connected.

Always ready for the appreciation of a true connoisseur Autolycus lost no time in opening the heavy pouch and scattering its contents across the table, amongst the messy plates and pools of spilt wine. Neither he nor Xena were very well house-trained, particularly at meals.

The small circular silver coins came to rest all over the table, glinting in the light of the small candle at Autolycus's elbow.

"Isn't that just the most beautiful sight you've ever seen? Money! I love it!" The King of Thieves was so entranced he took no notice of the arrival of the Innkeeper loaded with plates of steaming food, till Xena nodded her head at him. "Ah, garcon! Just lay them out. My guests are ready for a feast. I'm sure your vittles will be excellent. As you can see I have the necessary ready! What'd you say the bill was?"

By this time both Xena and Gabrielle had picked up some examples of the silver coins littering the table; and Autolycus himself had a handful ready for the, no doubt, exorbitant bill.

"There's something wrong here! This ain't right!" Gabrielle suddenly raised the coin she held and stared closely at it's surface.

"Whadd'ya mean?" Xena spoke off-handedly, being more interested in the plates of steaming food being laid before her.

"This coin; something ain't right with it!" Gabrielle looked carefully at the silver disk, holding it near her eye. Then she gazed mournfully from Autolycus to Xena, and back to the simpering thief.

"What? What?" A Warrior Princess kept from her victuals was always a snappy character to deal with, and Xena was getting impatient.

"This is a fake!" Gabrielle spoke with a tone of infinite regret, but absolute conviction. Then she leaned over to examine the coin still held loosely between her companion's fingers. "And so is that one you're holding, Xena!"

"What?" Xena slowly turned her interest from the food to her comrade who was now gazing across the table, with narrowed eyes, at the coins clutched in the hot palm of the King of Thieves.

"And those three in your hand, Autolycus, even I can see are also fake's!" Launched on her voyage of recrimination the green-eyed girl was now ruthless in the search for truth. "In fact—let me look!—yes, they're all fake's! Is this some kind of a joke?"

Xena gently placed the coin she held on the table and slowly leaned over the board to take a closer look at the coins spread over its surface. As she did so a dark frown made its appearance on her brow.

"Fake's! Fake's!" Autolycus gurgled in his throat, as you might imagine a rabbit would meeting a weasel round a sharp corner. "What're you saying? These ain't fake! I got them straight from King Apocretes's bullion chests! I did!"

"It would appear that someone had beaten you to it, and salted his treasure with their own replacements!" Xena's tone was now that of Hades sentencing a particularly decadent Roman Emperor. "You didn't steal silver! You stole copper discs with silver painted over their surfaces. How could an imbecile like you not see that? Oh, sorry! You are an imbecile!"

" 'ere! 'ere!" There is nothing so irate as an Innkeeper faced with a tableful of funny money. " 'oo's paying for this 'ere banquet? I mean, really paying! Wiv real money! Cos if yer ain't—."

Xena, with the expression of a martyr at the stake, took a pouch from the bag at her feet and extracted a handful of drachmas.

"Here! This'll cover the cost, thanks!"

The man went off, mollified by the feel of real silver in his palm. Xena and Gabrielle looked at the still gasping man opposite them. One with disdain; the other with the light of murder in her eyes. You can guess which was which!

"Autolycus! What colour are your insides?" As the warrior spoke these somewhat ominous words she rose slowly to stand over her victim with the look of a buzzard over its prey.

"Now, now, Xena! Let's not get personal!" The King of Thieves extended a hand towards the irate woman, before withdrawing it again, as being too good an opportunity for her. "I'm sure a little diplomacy—."

"The only diplomacy taking place round here will be about who gets your severed head as a trophy, you ba—."

"OK, Xena! Deep breaths! Calm and easy!" Gabrielle jumped in beside her lover and put a hand on her wrist; the one whose hand was now twirling a chakram, with intent! "I expect Autolycus has a perfectly rational explanation for his idiot activity over the last few days; but we can leave that till later. How about we two go back to camp and have a nice quiet evening, just the two of us? Then you can think about disembowelling this clown in the morning, when you're rested!"

"Here! There's no need to talk about disem—."

"Shut up, Autolycus!" Gabrielle was taking no prisoners, either, it seemed. "If you want I can take the leash off and just let this completely unhinged, angry, boiling, unrestrained warrior do what she wants? I mean, it's up to you!"

"I'll take a powder!" The King of Thieves knew when the time for a safe; or at least a comparatively quick, getaway with all four limbs and major body functions still intact was necessary.

"Good thinking, fool." Gabrielle stood slightly in front of the sizzling warrior at her side, watching the still seated Autolycus. There was an uncomfortable pause for a moment. "Whenever you're ready to leave the room, or run for your imbecile life; whichever you think best, now's the time!"

"Oh! Ah!" With this imperfect adieu the tall, but now slightly paler man, rose to his feet with what was probably meant as a gesture of farewell; even his moustache appeared to be drooping. But, gauging the light in Xena's eyes as pretty unfriendly at best, he judiciously made his exit instead. There was a ripple of brown clothes; a flicker of movement, and the space formally occupied by the King of Thieves was empty. There was one thing everyone agreed on about Autolycus; when he wanted to go he could go like no-one else in the history of thievery! Only the empty chair was left as mute evidence of his presence. The man was gone; unseen, unsung, and unloved!

—OOO—

A few minutes later the two women were at the Inn stables, saddling their horses.

"Xena, what shall we do tomorrow?" Gabrielle was already thinking of how best to take the Warrior Princess's thoughts off retribution and focus them on love and kindness again. Not an easy task, she thought to herself. "We could go to Phillipos? There's an athletic Games there in a week. That'd be fun!"

"More fun than justifiably ripping an imbecile thief apart and then auctioning his remnants at the town square in the morning!" The Warrior Princesses mind was still, clearly, focussed on but a single subject. "There'd be a crowd of enthusiastic customers, I bet!"

"Xena." Gabrielle had suddenly had a brainwave. One of those brilliant flashes of genius which only come to the innocent; the deserving; and the deeply cunning. "It's still quite early. You remember the wide pool in the river at our camp. You know! Where the mayfly were hovering over the surface, under the shade of the willows late yesterday, and you said how much you wanted to do a bit of fishing! Well, it'll only take us half an hour to get back to camp. And I bet the mayfly are hovering over the water, again! Think of all those juicy trout just waiting for your hook to appear so they can fling themselves at your feet!"

Gabrielle was, in her way, loving caring poetic—and possessor of a cunning that was almost evil. Already, just with these few words, an obvious change in manner was evident in the threatening composure of the Warrior Woman. The light shining from her glorious blue eyes had changed from anger but with a single purpose, to that of the true sportswoman with but a single hobby—fishing! Gabrielle had uttered the almost magic word and it had penetrated to the heart of Xena's mind, where only thoughts of the purest significance could enter.

"Fishing!" The Warrior Woman uttered the single word with a deep sigh. Then sighed wistfully again and looked at her petite companion. Gabrielle's green eyes were looking into her face with loving kindness, and Xena felt the warmth there. She was also reminded of the green depths of a river pool with gentle currents and plenty of fish! "Yes, fishing! You know, Gabrielle! I could do with some really intensive fishing! I mean fishing on a grand scale. That pool was quiet and deep, wasn't it? And the flies were hovering in thousands, weren't they? Never mind the trout; I think there's a real big pike in that pool! And, by Zeus!, I'll have him, if I have to fish for a fortnight! Let's go!"

As they climbed into their saddles Gabrielle surreptitiously wiped a hand across her brow. For Autolycus the coming days were now safely guaranteed; but for a certain lowly sidekick the next few days were going to be filled with the prospect of sitting beside her better half, applauding every time she got a bite; commiserating every time these bites got away; and dancing with well-acted joy every time the Warrior Princess landed a good catch! Gabrielle wondered whether to laugh or cry as the two women rode along the dusty town road on their way into the open country.

Xena, however, was already whistling a happy tune; off-key!

**The End**

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End file.
